Resolution Check-Up: Quick-fixes, Exercise & Getting Clean with Gwyneth…Ramble

January is nearly over so it might be time to check in on how you are doing with your New Year’s Resolution. Come on now, don’t deny that you made one…again…to lose ten pounds this year. There is a “seasonal seven” is the nickname for the 7 lbs most people put on between Thanksgiving and New Year’s celebrations. Wisely you have chosen to drop ten pounds as your goal- back to normal with a little extra room in your jeans.

It’s almost a month later though so how do you keep that ten lbs at bay? If you’ve been dieting and exercising you should be losing a healthy 1-2 pounds a week. If we look to entertainment figures (Gwyneth Paltrow, Giuliana Rancic) and coupon sites (Groupon, Gilt City, LivingSocial.com) there are tons of solutions being offered up.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta has been awesomely showing off some of the different ways you can lose weight. What? No, I’m serious.

JUICING: Two episodes ago Sheree (you know the one with the arms you’d like to see on a man, don’t mess with her!) tried to get Kim to lose her baby weight through exercising and juicing. I started juicing myself in November so I’m happy to endorse that it’s not easy and takes a lot of work so Sheree was right in thinking it was something Kim wouldn’t be committing to cause Kim favors some quick fixes.

QUICK FIXES: Last week’s episode had Kim being wrapped up like a mummy for several hours to take off unwanted fat post-giving birth. She commented fellow castmate in need of losing a few pounds, Kandi should try the wrap and once again, Kim requested pizza following her treatment which yielded ten inches of lost water weight.

EXERCISE: Say what? Skipping the quick-fixes and upping her exercising and dieting, Kandi Burress faced the music of her misdeeds on last week’s episode. Kandi enlisted a trainer and he put her on the scale. I love that Kandi let the cameras see that she was at the time of that filming 153 lbs. Now, does 153 lbs sound like a lot to you?

Well, let’s go to another Hollywood icon, Bridget Jones. Ok, she’s really a literary figure that was famous before the films. Renee Zwelleger who played Bridget in the film versions is reportedly 5’4″ vs. Kandi who is 5’3″.

The character Bridget is disgusted with her body weight varying from 131 lbs to 140. Hmm, an inch taller and visibly Bridget was much chunkier than Kandi? I’m guessing that Renee weighed about 160 plus unless her body. To give you another comparison Nicki Minaj is a reported 140 lbs. Now does she look fat in any weigh? That junk in her trunk is something Minaj works hard to maintain. The clip below from the sequel shows Bridge shoving herself into those types of garments that smooth an outfit out or…can make a girl look like a sausage!

This leads us back to Kandi who is facing her weight gain head on and fessing up to eating fried food. I have to give props to Kandi. She knows she’s been a naughty girl and she is struggling with her weight, but she’s honest about it. Sharing your struggles with other people can really help keep a person on track with that resolution lasting past January.

CLEANSES: Gwyneth Paltrow loves a good cleanse, whether it’s the Organic Avenue Juice Cleanse or her GOOP/Clean Program. What’s the Clean Program? It can last either 3 or 21 days long. I have no idea why 3 or 21.

Gwynnie has caught a helluva a lot of flack for hawking the GOOP branded clean diet. All of the information and break down of what consists of basically a protein shake for breakfest, lunch is one of the clean recipes, and then a protein shake for dinner. There are also approved snacks like baked kale chips and of course, the all important herbal tea.

Here she is with a recipe for Vietnamese Salad:

The UK press decided to blast GP’s Clean Diet based on ONE dietician saying it wasn’t a good diet. Well, it’s not really a diet, it’s a cleanse lasting either 3 or 21 days. If they just did a little research and not just look for a way to slam dear Gwyneth, then they could’ve found that GOOP offers up recipes gratis, and if you goto http://www.cleanprogram.com there are tons of recipes also free. If you are a really busy person who doesn’t know anything about nutrition but wants to kickstart your year, this really isn’t the worst way to go. I’ve had several nutritionists and doctors tell me a cleanse to get rid of the all the toxic crap we eat all year is a good for a short period of time. One thing I learned by reading through the Clean Diet program is that certain foods I thought were really good for me are actually really hard to digest. You’ll also save a lot more than if you decide to do quick fixes like liposuction or any of the other treatments at plastic surgeons being offered up on sites like Lifebooker.

There is also the disclaimer on the Goop site: The goop Cleanse by Clean, in partnership with goop, is sold and distributed by The Clean Program Corp, a New York based corporation. This email is not intended as medical advice. The information in this email is just a suggestion and should be taken as such. Work with a doctor in your area who understands and is supportive of your cleansing goals.

Good luck to everyone as we head into February. If you are feeling you are hitting the wall change up your exercise, or hit up Le Cirque for restaurant week at lunch. Then you’ll feel you’ve had a nice indulgence and what that does after a month of eating healthy.

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When Reality Kills…Ramble

It’s been strange and sad to watch this year’s seasons of The Real Housewives. Divorce has been rampant on every location: Orange County’s Vicki & Tamara & Gina all went to dust, although Gina’s divorce is still pending. New York saw the end of Countess Luann’s marriage and hints at infidelity by Ramona’s husband Mario. Washington saw the demise of Brit Kat’s marriage. Atlanta showcased NeNe’s hatred of her husband Greg and its still not clear if they have made up or just delayed the inevitable. Forget divorce though, it’s average in comparison to the family feuds, fist fights and bankruptcy on New Jersey.

As I’ve said before when a huge fight broke out on the season premiere of Jersey, when is Bravo going to take some social responsibility for abused people? Or put up a phone number to call? Well, it took the recent suicide of Beverly Hill’s (first couple to crumble under the reality strain), of Russell Armstrong to get there. While Armstrong’s sad decaying marriage and evaporating bank account was enough to get a tag and cut from many of the scenes sending story editors back into edit bays and raw footage for alternate story lines to highlight, it wasn’t enough for Bravo to pull the entire series from airing.

How could it be? They spent money promoting it, caught nasty, painful scenes between Kim and Kyle Richards trying to mend from the scars of Kim calling Kyle out on the season finale last year for being an alcoholic. All of this is just too tempting to Bravo but what does it say about us, the viewing audience? Is this too much for us? Do we delight in seeing spoiled, rich people continue to defy the recession and throw it in our faces that it’s not enough for them to show respect for one another and not throw punches? I go in and out of phases where I turn away from these shows. Russell’s death was given all of five minutes of air time discussion and a tag at the end of the show. It might also be enough to finally cure me of a sick need to tune in for these mind-rotting shows.

Real Hotlanta Hot Tempered Housewives…Ramble

Season one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, I got suckered in quickly by NeNe Leakes, who seemed to have everyone ganging up on her when she was down to earth and funny for days.

Season two, NeNe  her reality show fame sink into her real life and on camera she hammed it up and put everyone on blast. She was so aggressive and it was a real turnoff. There was no more of the sweet, funny lady who was full of funny one liners.

Season three  NeNe finally uncovers who her biological father is and once again the audience connects with this likeable woman with her catch phrases and finger snapping.

Season Four: Ms. Nene is having marriage problems and made amends with Kim “Don’t Be Tardy For The Party” (or to pay my bills for me Big Poppa!) Zolziack despite their rocky past. What? She gets some liposuction and decides having one interview on a local Atlanta news channel means she has her own show. It was almost as embarrassing as it was annoying to watch her ‘interview’ with Jermaine Dupree since she did zero research on him and then just turned the piece into a tour of his recording studio.

What went wrong?

Ms. Nene has never gotten over Kim cutting her out of singing on “Tardy for the Party.” Kim, under Kandi’s team, recorded a second, ear-piercing follow-up”The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing”. When NeNe fresh from Lord knows what happened to her at home with her husband who shared all their secrets on the radio and her deadbeat son who went to jail this season,  joins the Kandi/Kim tour bus with an agenda to be Nasty NeNe. Oh no, really? Yeah, NeNe couldn’t even be polite for an entire evening. Why did she bother going? It just mystified me why this woman gets invited anywhere when she is a complete naysayer.

Ms. NoNo quickly called Kim’s assistant a slave (who is the racist here?) and acted like a spoiled baby trying to convince aging model and new castmate Cynthia that she should ditch the girls weekend in Miami. Nay nay NeNe! Why are you such a No No! all the damn time.

I’ve got to say the more interesting storylines were newcomers Cynthia the supermodel committmentphobe and Phaedra or “Fakedra” as NoNo calls her, the lawyer with an ex-con for a husband and a new baby. Phaedra has this amazing way of delivering utter nonsense but she seems like no matter what she is over the top and likes to have a good time. That’s totally fine by me!

My dream Housewives “Super Cast” would include: Lisa Vanderpump from BH, Cat from DC, Phaedra from Atlanta, Skip the OC altogether, blend in Sonia Morgan  from NY and you got a soiree.

Hotlanta Hot Mess Kim Takes Google’s Name in Vain…Ramble

This week ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ returned for Season 3, which just proved Season 2 all the RH series ‘jump the shark’ with their new-found ‘faux-fame’ to borrow the term from Jerry Seinfeld. Well, Season 3 they get back to the business of being themselves and the downward slide of the faux-fame into their real lives. Hallelujah!

The always entertaining, wine-drinking, whig-wearing hot mess, Kim Zolciak returns with a new single called “Google Me.” Clearly this follow-up to the brilliant “Tardy for the Party” was made without the help of her castmate, Kandi Burruss. While you may be looking at the time thinking this is only :57 seconds, trust me, that’s so your ears have a chance to recover from this unfiltered exposure to Kim’s vocal stylings.

Unreal Housewives With Real Issues…Ramble

The Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOC) was started in reaction to ABC’s ‘Desperate Housewives’ to show …well, how spoiled, rich women fill their idle hours. The best part about RHOC was the revolving cast members and their lack of focus on how to monetize being on the show for the first couple of seasons.

Just like any MTV reality coupling (think Nick & Jessica, Travis & Shana, Heidi & Spencer) in a series, this reality show lead couples to divorce, couples to split, privileged teens to be evicted and given a shoulder to lean on by a money-grubbing peroxide blonde ‘with a heart of gold’ when she was first introduced to the series as the companion of an elderly man with tons of cash and terminal cancer.

Elegance is learned...my friend!

As CSI and Law & Order (dunt dunt) spun off into other franchises of the series, so did Bravo opt to spotlight women in other cities including New York, Atlanta and New Jersoi (hey Jersey Shore came AFTER this amazing successful season of ‘Prostitution Whore’ table throwing by Theresa ‘I Consider Myself A Classy Woman) and now expands to Beverly Hills and D.C. Uh oh Andy Cohen……not only the host of ‘Watch What Happens Live’ (WWHL) but the Head of Programming for Bravo. He’s the real Big Deal Y’all, not as my friend exclaimed ‘oh not a wannabe actor’ stooop right there grrrl, I love me some Andy Cohen….but I ramble….back to topic.

Is this too much of a good thing? Last week Jerry Seinfeld was on WWHL and asked to play Housewives Ref but Jerry wasn’t having it. He sort of went down the path that all the Housewive programming is a bunch of crap that will melt your brain and none of these women have any manners and just in case you didn’t hear it Andy, these people are mean and stupid. Um, okay Jer….you knew what you were getting yourself into and uh, don’t you want fans of the Housewives to be watching your show ‘Marriage Ref’ on Bravo’s sister-parent station NBC? Jerry, didn’t you say you were friends with Andy? Andy admitted it was not a fun game afterall and they cut to commercial.

In the words of Andy Cohen “Here’s What”:

a) Several of the Housewives seem to be over-medicating: Lynne (of RHOC), Kim (Atlanta- why does she wear a wig again? She did own up to not having cancer but never gave a reason for wearing a wig), Danielle ‘The Prostitution Whore’ (New Jersey) and of course New York’s sadly very own run-in-traffic-Playboy-bunny Kelly Kiloran ‘I’m a real person’ Bensimon. Kelly’s mental state has taken up the past two episodes of RHNYC. Kelly you are batshit crazy. Why do you continue to expose yourself on TV like this? Stop the madness, if you were a real person you’d find this uncomfortable to watch and seek some help.

b) Drop the OC cast PLEASE!!! The only remaining original cast member is Vicki, the workaholic insurance seller who seemed to be crying every episode due to her insane castmates. I’m not even a huge Vicki fan and I think she needs to quit the show. Here’s what Andy…that means yes, you have room for new Housewife franchises cause everyone is sick of the OC witches. Half of them are not even Housewives anymore and Tamara is just a disgusting high school mean girl…oh wait, you say that makes great TV? Eh, I’m over them.

c) MUSIC! Ladies, I got into the Hotlanta version about half way into the first season at the beckoning of my younger sister who declared herself ‘Captain of Team Nene.’ It was a hoot. These women dropping words like ‘elite’ and ‘class’ when they have neither but they all at least did charity work, unlike the hobags of the OC who were boozing it up and trying to get their friends ‘naked drunk’ but then didn’t want their friends to actually hook up with their out-on-parol sons.

In season two Kim ‘whig out’ Z released the single ‘Tardy For The Party’ and it does rock. It’s the perfect summer song and I’m jealous that Kim achieved one of my goals to be a one hit wonder on the disco floor.

Well, Kim Z it wasn’t too nice that you did not wish Countess Luann (RHNYC) the same success with her single. Here’s what: I love Countess Luann’s single and I bought it. Yep, elegance is learned …MY FRIEND! Money can’t buy you class (Jill Zarin!)

d) Faux fame monsters! On this note Jerry Seinfeld was right there are a number of the Housewives who believe they are legitimately famous and putting products out there. This wouldn’t be so annoying if they weren’t constantly hawking it on the show. Yes, we get that the show has launched them into ample opportunities but do we have to be marketed to every time you open your mouth Jill Zarin? Jill (NY)  and Nene (Hotlanta) both were likeable, loveable and women I would’ve wanted to hang out with on their first seasons. Somehow they started to believe they were the shit and the Head Cheerleader at last so they decided to pick fights with everyone only they went too far…Here’s what: It’s embarrassing.

e) Bethenny Frankel- she’s no saint. When this season of NY started I was like so totally on Jill’s side and couldn’t understand how rude Bethanny had tipped without shame. Well, then I realized neither one of them was acting too great to each other but….last summer I stopped following Bethanny on Twitter after her posts were just mean. She even picked a fight with Rachel Zoe and of course, one of my favorite people who never responded (I heart you) Gwyneth Paltrow calling out GP’s cooking skills which she had not sampled. Hmm BF you totally got pissed when Kelly KBS gave you the same types of comments, in fact you went bananas. So perhaps Bethanny you only went all noble and forgiving with Jill “I don’t want to win, I just want to make up” because you signed a deal for your own series “Bethenny Frankel…getting married?” Um, yeah we can see that rock from space so why that title….but anyway HERE’s WHAT: Sorry BF a special one episode for that would probably be enough when the über talented and fun and sassy Christian Siriano, who is far more entertaining got one episode. I won’t be watching your show BF. Not interested. I let you go and embrace the GOOP of Gwyneth who nourishes my soul instead.

In recap: Woohoo, love you Housewives but I’m going to be selective and cheer for Theresa and Dina of New Jersey who continue to deliver hilarious one liners like ‘tick tock psycho bitch.’

P.S.

I agree with Sarah Jessica Parker that Sonja Morgan adds helium to the NYC cast but what’s with adding Jen Gilbert too? How many freaking housewives do we need in one cast?  Also shining this season is my fellow Brooklynite, Alex McCord who is the voice of sanity.

Kelly Ripa said on WWHL ‘Sweetie, I’d like to hear Cher cover Luann’s song.’ That’s great Kelly but even better….Rupaul. How bout a gay benefit with all 3 of them together? Now that’s fun…my friends!