Checking in with the RHOBH…Ramble

@AnnaMack slightly admonished me for not being a beacon for those who watch The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and perhaps not the other installations) shouting “it’s back with another season”. Alright Lady, I’m going to catch you up. Tonight is the third episode so you haven’t missed too much. 

1. Kyle Richards is suddenly the peace maker wanting all the girls to get along and have no drama. Hey Kyle, stop pulling a Camille season two and being dull just because everyone saw your truly a catty mean girl last season. I’d also like to see you get a new hairstyle to freshen things up. 

2. Adrienne Malouf and Lisa Vanderpump are still not speaking. Lisa and Giggy and of course, somewhere in the mansion her husband Ken, have all moved. Lisa’s new closet is Glamour with a capital “G”. That “G” includes Giggy’s fabulous wardrobe and his very own travel gear. 

Adrienne got miffed and embarrassed not to be invited to an annual party at Villa Blanca. I think Lisa was wise not to invite her. Adrienne showed in the reunion for last season how jealous she is of Lisa and her witty comments (flashing on Jill Zarin and Betthany Frankel- who I liked until they both became henious beasts to one another. Betthany we don’t need to see you peeing pregnant in your wedding dress on a bucket, but maybe some people do. I don’t watch her solo show it seems to forced to me). 

Now Adrienne’s making a big deal telling Taylor and Kyle that Lisa is acting “very high school” by not meeting with her. I don’t know about you, but when I can cut out my interactions with toxic people I do. Adrienne in the process of this Lisa bashing sent a hacked off tree branch with flowers to the party she wasn’t invited to– how is that not absolutely high school with money? 

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3 – Lisa's Villa Blanca Party Pics – Photo Gallery – Bravo TV Official Site.

Kyle in her faux peacemaker role is trying to get in the middle. She’s a meddler that one. 

3. Kim Richards is back. What the what? you ask. Oh yeah, I guess she is in dire need of the cash because going to rehab didn’t stop her from signing up for another uncomfortable season full of forced interactions with Kyle. Kyle still acts like they are teenagers who can say evil, hurtfull thing and ten minutes later it is forgotten and forgiven. Sorry Sister, when you out your sister as an alcholic on national cable television, that isn’t exactly going to mend fences. 

Kim is as odd as ever but actually showing up for parties so maybe Bravo told her she could come back on the condition she shows up to group events! Kyle continues to try and force closeness with Kim at the Villa Blanca Party (uh no thanks once more) and her daughter’s 4th birthday party (that probably cost more than your rent/mortage/car payment combined– don’t get me started on the new car her husband suprized her with cause that’s more than your salary). 

4. Taylor is back too. Mmm, her new tagline “I fought too hard for this zip code to give it up now.” Oh no Honey, no. She seems as on the cusp of having a botox explosive meltdown as ever. She immediately takes an overheard comment from newbie, Yolanda (oh we’re getting to her!), at the Villa Blanca party that Brandi made about it being a small town – paraphrasing here – small town we all know the same people, slept with the everyone, etc. — to be literal. No, Brandi has not slept with all of Beverly Hills and if she had so what? Are you jealous Tay Tay cause you only allegedly hooked up with that cast member of the Bravo Dallas Society Show and Brandi admitted to hooking up with movie star Gerard Butler? Either way Taylor kept repeating the line to everyone “Brandi said she has slept with everyone in town” at any chance she got and several times at Portia’s 4th birthday party. Oh Taylor. And where was Taylor’s daughter? Not at the party. 

Taylor also roped in Adrienne and Kyle’s husband’s to run a mile in heels for abused women the morning of Portia’s birthday party. How to fit it all in my dears? Well, if you are loaded and have your own private Malouf jet you just fill that up to fly up to Sacremento for the event and pop on back down in time to make the party. No airport queues for you Lady Luxury! 

5. Brandi Glanville is back and totally BFF with Lisa Vanderpump. She still makes hump jokes about Lisa’s hubbie Ken but it’s all in good-bordeline-grasping-for-attention-I-don’t-wear-bras-but-I-am-good-fun-wink-wink fun. It’s quite entertaining. 

Brandi sort of leaches on to Lisa’s invite to Portia’s birthday party but left her pee-on-the-lawn-offspring off the guestlist. She is nervous for any Taylor time and winds up bailing early on the party despite Camille finally making an appearance. 

6. Lisa Vanderpump felt the sting of last season’s reunion and seems she wants to remove herself from a bit of the toxic behaviour. I can understand her wounds, but she’s not toning down who she is like Kyle. She’ll get to Adrienne and her tree trunk on tonight’s episode, but she doesn’t need it to be a three ring circus full of other housewives while she does so.  Fabulous as always in her signature pink, I can’t wait to see more of Lisa this season.

7. Newbie Yolanda Foster, a friend of Lisa’s has joined the cast. The thread? She is the former wife of Mohammad, the uber rich guy who threw Lisa’s daughter Pandora an engagement party during which Kyle showed off her ability to do splits and why Maurico keeps her decked out in brand new whips. 

Yolanda, a former supermodel, is the fourth wife of 16 time Grammy winning producer, David Foster. You reality hounds may remember him as the exhausted stepfather (now former) of Brody and Brandon Jenner off their own reality series “The Princes of Malibu”. And in reality show loops that leads back to “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” as all reality shows must. 

Yolanda quickly lets us know she doesn’t like games. She doesn’t think highly of stage mothers and 1,2,3 cut to her on-set telling daughter *also a model of course- Gigi what she should be doing. Yolanda also tells the make-up artist not to make Gigi’s eyes look Chinese. Hey Yolanda in this country the whole ‘don’t make my daughter have slanty eyes thing’ is not something you should say outloud, ever, and certainly not on camera. I broke my remote throwing it up in disgust. Thanks for including that Bravo! 

I can’t wait for tonight’s episode when Yolanda and David Foster pounce their laid back yet completely uptight paws onto Taylor. 

 

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Tears, Shrinks & Don’t Get Cedric A Drink, #RHOBH Highlights…Ramble

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills swept in like a fresh glass of Sancerre on a summer day when it premiered last year, but as we know it ended with the shocking break between Kim and Kyle Richards after Kyle went deep and revealed to all that Kim was an alcoholic on-camera. It led to Kim heading to rehab.

This season was off the charts before it even started when Taylor’s-on-the-way-to-being-ex-husband, Russell Armstrong committed suicide. For a second season this show was not suffering from the sophomore slump, but in fact perhaps so loaded with heavyiness it was a relief to have the announcment of Lisa’s daughter, Pandora’s engagement which the season finale will show the wedding. It was fun to see Adrienne Malouf try to be romantic with her husband Paul in Hawaii sticking her tongue down his throat at a group dinner but…..there are a few random things that happened this season that were totally cray-cray:

1) What is up with all the extra friends? We barely know the original cast members and then for some reason Bravo decides to add not only Brandi to the mix, who’s ex is Eddie aka Mr. LeAnn Rimes now and apparently cheated on her a lot & also friends with Lisa’s former houseguest Cedric, but all the ladies seem to have a friend. Kyle has Faye who yes, posed in Playboy, and is her decorator. Kim Richards has a random assortment of help like her maid and make-up artist because her ‘gay bull mastiff’ boyfriend (according to Brandi) Ken wasn’t able to provide any support.

Brandi was supposed to be Adrienne’s friend, but she brings along that chick Jen from Celebrity Rehab?!!!? to everything. Camille was joint at the hip with her friend/assistant? DeeDee or is it DiDi? Either way I don’t really care for her. Taylor brought in her friend, party planner (who didn’t plan any of the successful parties on the show, even her own diasterous night), Dana who surprizingly made it on to a cast member poll during Watch What Happens Live this week. Do we care? Dana always seems to be on another planet called ‘guess how much this cost?” And then of course, Taylor swapped Dana out for her shrink to come to Lisa’s restaurant opening. UM???? Is this the Real Friends of Beverly Hills?

I did love how Adrienne’s chef Bernie showed up to the opening with RuPaul in tow. Now that’s a friendship I’d like to see as opposed to DeeDee stiring up trouble with Taylor at Brandi’s party when it was very clear Taylor has a lot of issues. It really wasn’t right to attack someone who is in that much pain.

All of this season’s odd friends seem to culminate in the opening of Lisa’s new restaurant:

2) Pandora’s wedding planner Kevin is just to die for! He is over the top and brought much needed levity to the show. I can’t wait to see how fabulous his ‘bling bling million dollar wedding’ turns out next week.

3) Kyle needs to switch networks. She cried so much I thought I was watching Lifetime, Television for Tears! Her fight at the birthday dinner with Kim in Hawaii was so random. She totally freaked out when Kim accused her of driving with her cellphone attached to her ear. Her retort was equally bizarre about if you want to make stuff up I could say you were a child molester??? What? I mean, seriously what? How is cellphone abuse=child molester?

4) Ken and Brandi flirting is fairly hilarious. Lisa getting a bit jealous even as a joke is just devine as she is always fighting off Ken’s advances and teasing him that he’ll get some affection next year! Lisa admiring Brandi’s assets in Hawaii was very entertaining.

5) Lisa’s friend Muhammad’s engagement party for Pandora. A party with belly dancers, fire eaters, secret rooms and Kyle doing splits is one for the ages to be remembered.

6) Taylor finally breaking through, as rough as it’s been to see her suffer and the just complete lack of any emotion from her now deceased husband. I mean wow, my heart really goes out to her but part of me is like, was it only because she was on a reality show she was able to do this? How does this happen to such great, smart women? I think about Hayley Berry…. it’s just very tough stuff but fortunately Taylor did make it out and she is able to keep moving forward.

7) Kyle’s photo shoot for her book cover in a gown on her dining room table seemed so random. I like Kyle and she seems to have a great marriage, but I really don’t see her as the literary type, nor do I think I need any kind of advice from her. She pays people do decorate, I’m sure she has to have a nanny with that many kids and all her long social committments so what is it about? How fight with your sister in public and cry? Cause I didn’t like Kyle & Kim ganging up on Brandi and hiding her crutches no matter what she said, that is so juvenile. Kyle was definitely a mean girl when she wasn’t crying this season.

8) The disturbing unraveling of Kim’s mind on camera. So. Much. Sadness. She shouldn’t be on TV! Kim don’t do a third season. This is not helping you, it’s documenting your illness!

9) Lisa and Adrienne are so priviledged they couldn’t be bothered to go in the water in Hawaii and look at the fish. I cherish snorkeling or scuba diving time. It’s maginificent that calm that follows after time in the water like that and that visibility that day was Heaven Sent. Shame on you Lisa get your bony ass in the water!

10) Brandi’s son pissing on Adrienne’s lawn. Um, boys will be boys? I guess Brandi was probably a bit nervous anyway and it didn’t help that she was on crutches. I bet she just couldn’t be bothered to correct him, but I don’t think that makes her a bad mother. There are moments you have to let go and talk about later especially after going through such a public divorce. Glad she finally somehow made it into the group, and apparently into Camille’s mouth making out with her in Vegas. Well people of Beverly Hills Spice Up Your Life!

Real Sousedwives of Beverly Hills…Ramble

Naughty Naughty Botox Bombshells

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills took an unexpected twist as it ended the series, not only with the manipulator Camille Grammar implying that Kelsey Grammar likes to sleep with men, but the aunts of Paris & Nikki Hilton- Kyle and Kim Richards proving why sisters should never be on a reality show together. There’s too much history, too much hurt to inflict and too much that you may say in life that you can’t take back once it is on tape in the heat of the moment.

When Kim, a child actress starring in the Disney film “Escape to Witch Mountain” ( a fact she reminded the audience of every chance she got), was first giving her confessionals there seemed to really be something odd about her. I couldn’t tell if she was just a real drip or it was the sadness of missing being in the spotlight. She kept pressing how much she loved being a mom and that was her “thing” so perhaps she really was just  a stay at home mom – I’m not against taking pride in your kids, but Kim didn’t talk about them as much as she rehashed that she was a child star who supported her family and raised Kyle, but now the shoe was on the other foot and she didn’t like that very much.

Et tu Kyle (aka Brute?)

During the series, castmate and Kyle’s dear friend Villa Blanca restauranteur Lisa Vanderpump (hello if you missed out on the ‘Dynasty’ years then Lisa is here to give us a dose. She is divine!) set Kim up with her friend Martin. There were at least three instances when Martin asks Kim if she needs a drink and she declines so it was really bizarre when Kim showed up wasted at a birthday party for her least favorite Housewive, Taylor.

Kim and Taylor have been fighting all season. They never really warmed to each other and when the wives made a trip to see Kelsey Grammer in La Cage Au Foles on Broadway, Taylor threatened to go all Oklahoma on Kim’s ass for implying she sparked a fight between Camille and Kyle. Lisa also felt Taylor could be a bit shady and had stirred the trouble and came right out and asked her about it several times over drinks. If I thought anyone was an alcoholic it would’ve been Taylor with her abusive past and cold husband. TayTay also likes to laugh in

Yes I helped put Kim back in rehab

the face of any conflict and did just that when Lisa confronted her. Instead of taking responsibility for her part in the Camille vs. Kyle Wars, Taylor tried to deflect the blame on to Kim.

Taylor with her subtle-as-a-Louboutin-bouncing-off-her-Botoxed-forehead, decides her birthday party is the place to put things to rest-slash-publicly-confront Kim. Big shocker that Taylor doesn’t approach it in the clear the air once and for all manner that Lisa Vanderpump (don’t you just love that last name Darlings?!) intended and Kim winds up having to defend herself to Taylor, Kim, Kyle and Adrienne all at once. It’s no surprize Kim storms out of the party. The worst part is that Kyle decides this is the perfect time to keep confronting Kim and has her agent make sure Kim does not leave and jumps into the limo Kim has been circling the party with Adrienne Malouf and her ‘former date’ Martin. Good grief Charlie Brown!

Yesterday it was reported that after seeing that episode where Kim makes no coherent sense, her family has made Kim check into rehab again.

Ouch. Poor Kim. All season the relationship between her and the rest of the woman was awkward with some brief moments of lukewarm. It seemed like Kyle was just flashing around her Demi Moore-esque hair and so normal, but apparently it goes even deeper with Kyle’s ridiculously awesome husband Maurico (who Camille implied was cheating on her left and right and later rescinded Camille is a bad, bad lady!) financially supporting Kim. In the limo Kyle tells Kim she is cut off and exposes her as the alcoholic she is which shocks the hell out of Ms. Adrienne Zen Malouf.

I have stated it before and I’ll do it again now, Bravo seems to cast people who are barely hanging on to reality (see Danielle, now formerly of the New Jersey cast & Kelly Bensimone of NY) and being on this show goes from entertaining guilty pleasure to downright uncomfortable as these women truly lose their grip. I didn’t think I could stomach watching this stuff after the last season of NY when the women were so vicious alternating with becoming walking infomercials. However, a friend lured me into the DC edition because those women were actually talking about issues and meeting with politicians about Gay Rights and of course, social climbers The Salahis who gate crashed the White House.

Bravo should pay for therapy for these women but I just keep wondering why it goes this sideways? The Atlanta cast loves to talk about being classy but constantly erupt into weave-pulling and trash talking the moment the camera is on them at the drop of a Gucci handbag. Dang women, it’s not fun. What happened to the fun spirit of these shows? I think it’s finally time to cancel cable but, of course not until after the two-part reunion show. (!)

P.S. I think Lisa Vanderpump should have her own fabulous show Darlings and add her as the key commentator to all the other shows…in place of Andy Cohen. Darling that would be interesting!

Darlings! Be fabulous