Face-off : Sharks Vs. Brain Bug…Ramble


When I was shopping for a Christmas present I came across the ultimate triology:

Starship Troopers. I bet you didn’t even know there was more than one made and certainly not 3. Hey, it’s the same for Anaconda! What makes the Starship triology even better is the final chapter has the return of Casper Van Dien. Well hello General Johnny! How you doin’?

Oddly enough the principal photography was shot in South Africa, which is a haven for some of the world’s most deadly Tiger Sharks. You know what that means….

Brain Bug vs. Shark? Let’s do this FACE-OFF!

1. LOVE:

All Rights Universal Studios

The Brain Bug‘s downfall is playing games. Instead of immediately pinning down Denise Richard‘s in a manner befitting Warren Beatty, he decides to toy with her, perhaps hoping to win her affections before sucking out her brain. Boohoo, he falls victim to the siren’s call and gets caught.

Shark: Does the movie poster for Jaws give it away? These babies go right for it. Was there anything more terrifying than that first kill in Jaws? I think cinematic history and the perception of sharks changed forever! Bugs, we still squash. Whether you are gorgeous and naked or even old Grannie Brody in Jaws 4: We Just Want More Jaws Forget  A Plot, when a great white is hankering for a tasty morsel, you don’t stand a chance!

Winner: Shark!

2. LONGEVITY:

Brain Bugs: have humans put in their place with their army of ants, flying winged creatures and ability to basically suck the brains out their enemies and use that knowledge against them. They have to wait for their dominant times when the planet looks dark and drab just as they do. According to the Hayden Planetarium show Journey To The Stars, humans will have “moved on” when the sun burns up in 5 billion years so maybe we goto another planet full of rocks and bugs that want to kill us. Boo!

Sharks: A creature created so deadly, so perfectly that it hasn’t had to further evolve since its primordial days. In some shark films, sharks grow legs and come on land. In the film ‘Malibu Shark Attack’ an earthquake unleashes a pack of sharks even more fierce than today’s majestic creatures:

U-g-l-y, you ain't got no alibi!

Winner: The Brain Bug dominates in a future that is dull but we’ll still wear shades to protect us from the ooze that is his blood. We all “know” in ‘the future’ there’s no water, trees, grass, flowers or other general prettiness so unless Sharks cross-breed with ants they don’t stand a chance.

3. BRAIN POWER

Calm Down Brain, rumors abound re: a 4th movie

Brain Bug: Thinking this one is obvious? After all ‘Brain’ is the first part of the Brain Bug’s nomenclature. While the Brain Bug collects information and brains, he only defeats the humans on a temporary basis. His unwieldy size makes him a one note killer much like Jabba The Hut, who’s enormous girth, arrogance and lust for women were was his undoing. Indeed, if the BB were to talk (why doesn’t such a highly evolved brain talk?) his personality would probably be similar to Jabba’s. There’s not a lot of creativity with the Brain Bug. He wants to eat the brains so he can understand how his competition thinks to defeat them.

Shark: If you’ve ever seen ‘Deep Blue Sea’, then you know that they genetically violate the Harvard Compact with the side effect being “the sharks got smarter.”

The response: “You stupid bitch!”

Sharks are already perfect killing machines. They can swim up to 50 miles an hour and they use their brain power. They are curious and investigate when a strange new element i.e. a scuba diver is introduced to their environment.

Winner: Brain Bug –a no-brainer….hahaha. Actually it is a close call on this category. I have to go with Brain Bug on this one. Even with the shark’s brain power, also in ‘Deep Blue Sea’ Dr. Susie did lure back the shark just as it was about to escape to the deep blue sea by cutting herself (on a rusty piece of metal -nasty!) and using her blood to draw back the fiercest beast. It worked. Even when the sharks got so smart we were knocked to the bottom of the food chain, in the words of Dr. Susie “She’s still just an animal after all.”

4. LOOKS

Brain Bug– nasty!  He is a gelatinous mass of ugly. He apparently stinks as well.

Shark: While fierce these animals are beautiful gliding creatures.

Winner: Shark

5. FISTICUFFS

Brain Bug: While he may be superior in brain power, BB is lacking in the fast-movement department. If he were to tangle with a shark, BB would have to pin the shark with several tentacles so he could extend his brain sucking appendage. He would also have to make sure it was in shallow water, like three feet, where a shark can still be deadly and BB’s tiny legs can still reach the bottom.

If the Shark was able to drag the BB into the water after biting into BB’s legs, he might have a good shot here. He is faster and could maneuver around BB, nudging him over with brutal blows. An adult shark can ram you as hard as a truck. Once BB was on his side, the rest is history making our winner The Shark.

Overall winner: The Shark!



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