Kylie Vs. Madonna


Kylie Minogue’s recent US Tour brought out long time competitor Madonna and her daughter Lourdes, aka LOLA (hey JLo you really thought you could claim the name Lola? I don’t think you’ve met Lourdes, she’ll cut a bitch.) Is it an epic battle of Blonde Ambition between Madge & Kylie on a global level? They each have a dizzying list of global awards, magazine covers, books, and huge gay followings. Let’s see how they stack up.

COUGAR POWER: Both ladies are hitting the Latin Flavored Model Pool:

Madge: Jesus Luz is 22, South American model trying to be a DJ.

Kylie: Andres is 31, Spanish been quoted as wanting to have babies

Cougar Winner: Madonna

Personal fave: Andres. MEOW!

SURVIVAL TACTICS: MADGE slept her way into the music scene to get the best beats, deals and opportunities. The First Lady of Reinvention counts Sean “Mr. Nice Guy” Penn and Guy “Homophobe According to her brother Christopher’s Tell-All” Ritchie as her two divorces and playthings include Vanilla Ice, JFK Jr. (RIP!), Warren Beaty, Sandra Bernhard and Dennis Rodman.

KYLIE survived CANCER! Her ex, Michael Hutchence, a powerful influence on taking her from dime a dozen soap star turned poptart, into a diva. He left her for Helena Christiansen (keep the Aussies away from her, she dated Heath Ledger who also met with a timely demise….egads, beauty has a price.) Her ex, Oliver Martinez is a French bad boy who stuck with her through cancer but ultimately was a huge cad aka Frenchman. Later baguette!

Winner: Both, it’s hard for a lady to be a pimp. Men can’t handle it when their women outshines them.

ACTING: Madonna please Girl Six? Evita? Swept Away (I can’t believe I watched this wretched garbage) but don’t forget she was, well herself in ‘Desparately Seeking Susan’ and she did a great job being….herself. Fortunately Madge has retired from acting.

Kylie started out in acting as a cheeky monkey on Neighbours. Her movie career has included being the Green Fairy in Moulin Rouge and she makes her Bollywood debut in “Blue”, some say the most expensive movie ever made. She knows her limits, she works her angles.

Winner: KYLIE

AGING GRACEFULLY: Someone, somewhere said that Blondes don’t age gracefully. How about pop divas? Both of these ladies have amazing, tight, fit bodies that are too be envied. They won’t be joining Tori Spelling showing off (almost non existent) arm fat as both have very defined muscles there.

Kylie has lived on the Euro continent and glammed up being a muse for Dolce & Gabbana, living a very glamourous life, decked in haute coutre. As a result of her battle with cancer she lost all her hair and her dresses grew longer. Since beating cancer, she’s been dabbling with botox to fight the age battle.

All of a sudden Madonna starting wearing Burberry trying to look like a lady but then continueing to flash us her crotch. Madonna strattled TVS in her “American Life” video, Britney in Brit Brit’s “Me Against The Music” video and now just thrusts it against a white backdrop in “Celebration.”

Winner: Kylie

SIBLINGS: Since Madge comes from a larger family, there is only a stack up of the most famous of her siblings.

Madonna: Brother Christopher wrote a scathing tell all. After being along for the ride and earning money and design opportunites through Madonna, she cut him off when he failed to deliver. Their relationship fully splintered when Guy Ritchie, a homophobe according to Christopher, entered the picture.

Kylie: Sister Dannii followed in her footsteps in both the acting realm (first she competed in Talent Time, the Aussie version of Star Search, then the Aussie Soap Home And Away) and being a disco diva. They have a healthy supportive relationship and are now partnering on Britain’s X-Factor.

Winner: Kylie

Successor: This is a tough one, does one look to the present when Lady Gaga is crashing the party or think long term here? Long term Madge is grooming Lourdes to inherit her kingdom, while Kylie has no heir apparents.

Winner: Madonna

ROBBIE WILLIAMS FACTOR: Robbie Williams and Kylie had a massive global smash for their duet “Kids.” Robbie also penned two songs for Light Years. However, on Robbie’s Rudebox album he not only released a song about Madonna called “She’s Madonna,” he mentioned her as Mrs. Ritchie in a second song. Who wins here? Robbie.

Lightening Round:
Dance moves: Madonna (she’s a trained dancer y’all)
Controvery: Madonna
Sexual Adventures: Madonna but personally I’d rather have Kylie’s history (less STDS)
Accents: Kylie, her Aussie accent has never turned into a forced faux Brit one
Famous Friends: Madonna – sorry Kylie she is BFF with Gwyneth!
Fashion: Kylie
Global Hits: Madonna
Fun: Kylie
, Madonna is more likely to demean you
Good Girl Gone Bad Award: Kylie, Madonna was always badass

Finally Tally: Madonna 8 Kylie 7

Madonna wins by a nose.

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