Ding Dong Staub is Gone…Ramble

Last night was the second and final (really people do we need this much RH?) extended reunion of The Real Housewives of The Dirty Jers.

What did we learn?

-Caroline and Danielle will never be friends.

-Jacqueline realizes she looked like an idiot on camera this season.

-Teresa finally got a hold of her attitude and had a normal, decent exchange with Danielle which lead to Danielle hugging both her, then Jacqueline.

-Danielle’s hugs are uncomfortable and come with promises.

-Kim G likes to dress like she is at the Prom. She appeared as a ‘surprise’  in a turquoise dress with roses as the sleeves to answer allegations from Danielle and the other ladies that she is a shit stirrer as opposed to Sonja Morgan from the New York cast who is “straw the stirs the drink.” I’ll take Sonja any day. She’s a lot more fun.

And finally, although it was teased as Jacqueline, Bravo posted on their blog today the cast member leaving per Andy Cohen is Staub. She’s dunzo with Camp Manzo making my predication on that one correct. I see an infusion of new castmates that are not related to the Manzo Clan. Dina returning is not a sure thing in my eyes.

In any case we’ll all just have to ‘watch what happens.’ :) (p.s. for those asking, sorry I’m not watching the DC clan and probably won’t watch BH Housewives either. I’m reading a lot more these days and losing interest in people screaming at one another.)

Oh Christine Sweet 16…Ramble

I apologize for the slow feedback on this week’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Elle got spayed on Monday so sorry Bravo, it was really the last thing on my mind that day.

On to disecting: I think the entire episode could have been more intriguing if it had just been focused entirely on Danielle Staub’s model-in-training Christine.

Danielle kept telling her youngest daughter Jillian who was singing at the party that this was a ‘really big deal.’ What? I didn’t see any decanters of scotch or bookshelves that smell of mahogany (That’s a Legend of Ron Burgundy reference…) but we did finally see the supposed ‘dead-beat dad’ in and his next wife. For all the crap she has said about this man, Danielle’s kids were over the moon to see him and Danielle kept profusely thanking him for coming declaring “This is a new beginning” in her confessional and then as usual conflicting her seemingly ‘love & light’ attitude with “I know Jillian better than he does.”

Danielle also declared herself the best mom in the world. Uh you told this 12 year old girl about 50 times that she would be singing infront of 350 so many times she was getting stomach (hello ulcer) pains.

Here’s my impression of Danielle and it’s no surprize Joan Crawford’s daughter was named Christina. Watch this clip and tell me you don’t agree:

In other Housewive action, Bravo ‘superexec’ Andy Cohen was discussing and roleplaying ‘The Real Housewives of New York’ epic reveal of Kelly “Batshit crazy” Bensimon’s behaviour for the first time in her meeting with Bethanny “I’ll do anything to be on camera even pee in my wedding dress for more airtime” Frankel. Watch what happens on Colbert’s site.

If you can’t get enough, there’s more laughter as these kids reenact Theresa’s table issues and Danielle’s need to be the center of attention on Babelgum.

Dirty Jers is A Hot Mess….Ramble

Last night was supposed to be the big ‘table flip’ equivalent which occurred on the finale of ‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey.’ What we got instead seemed very staged and as Andy Cohen dubbed her the ‘Kathy Lee-Gifford look-a-like’ bystander said “This is f*cking bulls—!”

I went from rooting for Teresa with her over-the-top fashion and stage mommy antics, to thinking this woman is a “mean girl” but not on the Jill Zarin level being fake, she is authentic. Teresa commented on the after-show ‘Watch What Happens’ that she is nice to people who are nice to her and she’s a bitch to those that think she is a bitch. T- are you trying to live life in a Katy Perry song?

Here’s a synopsis of the big drama:

The “ladies” Teresa, Jacqueline and Kim D.  sat at a table directly across from Danielle & Kim G. during Kim D’s fashion show (which doesn’t do as much for Jersey fashion sense as Oxygen’s ‘Jersey Couture.’ Note Kim G. and Kim D. are more than just The Kims– they are in-laws). Puhleaaaaase as Danielle would say, like that wasn’t deliberate. Teresa decides that after all night exchanging glances, it is not enough for her and she is going to wait outside the bathroom for Danielle.

You don't like honey, how about bitch?

Teresa starts a conversation with Danielle who is not interested and wants to walk away with her bodyguard in tow, but Kim G. holds Danielle in place and says to try to make an effort. The conversation is brief and escalates into Danielle booking the hell out of the hall after screaming that Teresa’s house is in foreclosure. Honey (to borrow Teresa’s ‘thing), Teresa, hon, seriously what did you when you constantly call Danielle a ‘prostituion whore’?

From Bravotv.com

Danielle starts crying, running through the crowd. Thus far this season we’ve seen Danielle make idle threats and surround herself with Hell’s Angels and ex-cons. It is suspect that it was heavily implied Danielle put a hit out on Dina during last year’s reunion show, has all this muscle around her and then Teresa wants to mouth off at her and she immediately collapses. Sadly Danielle’s heels were a casuality in this situation. (Those were some hot boots too!)

Danielle ducked outside and for drama’s sake, Teresa was fired up and went after her unstoppable by the friends trying to hold on to her. One of the bouncers at the country club of the event tried to hold her back and said ‘be a classy lady.’ This is where T lost me. The explanation on ‘Watch What Happens Live’ did nothing to ‘splain it all. Teresa claimed she heard that Danielle had been spreading a lot of rumors like her house was in foreclosure and by Danielle screaming that, she confirmed it was her. Of course, Teresa if you wanted to address rumors and you couldn’t stop saying the word ‘bitch’ what was going to be accomplished?

Outside while T was held back, the camera shows Jacqueline. Suddenly Danielle starts to move again wailing she just wants to go home – hmm, Kim G’s driver needs to wake up from his nap time because he never did bring that car around to where they were, instead they all start walking to the Bentley. That gave Jacqueline’s undisciplined ridiculous brat Ashley a chance to yank a chunk of Danielle’s weave off her head.

The extension pull must’ve hurt like hell. Danielle went into further hysterics and called the police while wailing in the Bentley. For no reason Teresa is finally free of the country club staff and starts walking after Danielle. WTF? Then Jacqueline decides the whole thing is so high school as she walks quickly towards the Bentley.  She then proceeded to just stand outside the car watching Danielle not saying anything. According to Jacqueline on WWHL, it was edited out that Jacqueline was showing Danielle there was noone blocking her path. Hooooney that’s a little junior high action Jacqueline!

The cops show up, take statements, let Ashley go for the moment. Apparently Danielle has the cops on speed dial so they don’t really believe her. Ashley continues to be a brat and posts on Facebook the evening was ‘unbe-weavable.’

Jacqueline & Teresa spend the rest of the episode trying to dress up what went down to other family members, but since the other family members a) have lives b) have all made a pact not to discuss Danielle c) are so over this they are not supportive of the actions of Jacqueline & Teresa. Caroline even says that paying the consequences for her actions, might be the only way Ashley learns her lesson.

Jacqueline, remove your child from the cast. She wouldn’t have been at that fashion show if Kim D. who wants to be on the cast, had not asked her to be on the show or if Ashley had left when you asked her to go home.

Manzo-Momzo

Bravo you really should just give Caroline Manzo and her immediate family (wassup Albie!) their own spin-off show because the energy is better there. There are actual problems (learning disabilities) and people can root for them and they laugh! I’m going to have to get all Jerry Seinfeld again and say farewell NJ you have jumped the shark!

Wait, gotta do this Jersey style. I’ll borrow Danielle’s opening combative statement and say “That’s a F–kin’ nuff!” (edit per Evil Producer!) BTW, I’m so kidding you know I’ll never stop watching NJ!

Unreal Housewives With Real Issues…Ramble

The Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOC) was started in reaction to ABC’s ‘Desperate Housewives’ to show …well, how spoiled, rich women fill their idle hours. The best part about RHOC was the revolving cast members and their lack of focus on how to monetize being on the show for the first couple of seasons.

Just like any MTV reality coupling (think Nick & Jessica, Travis & Shana, Heidi & Spencer) in a series, this reality show lead couples to divorce, couples to split, privileged teens to be evicted and given a shoulder to lean on by a money-grubbing peroxide blonde ‘with a heart of gold’ when she was first introduced to the series as the companion of an elderly man with tons of cash and terminal cancer.

Elegance is learned...my friend!

As CSI and Law & Order (dunt dunt) spun off into other franchises of the series, so did Bravo opt to spotlight women in other cities including New York, Atlanta and New Jersoi (hey Jersey Shore came AFTER this amazing successful season of ‘Prostitution Whore’ table throwing by Theresa ‘I Consider Myself A Classy Woman) and now expands to Beverly Hills and D.C. Uh oh Andy Cohen……not only the host of ‘Watch What Happens Live’ (WWHL) but the Head of Programming for Bravo. He’s the real Big Deal Y’all, not as my friend exclaimed ‘oh not a wannabe actor’ stooop right there grrrl, I love me some Andy Cohen….but I ramble….back to topic.

Is this too much of a good thing? Last week Jerry Seinfeld was on WWHL and asked to play Housewives Ref but Jerry wasn’t having it. He sort of went down the path that all the Housewive programming is a bunch of crap that will melt your brain and none of these women have any manners and just in case you didn’t hear it Andy, these people are mean and stupid. Um, okay Jer….you knew what you were getting yourself into and uh, don’t you want fans of the Housewives to be watching your show ‘Marriage Ref’ on Bravo’s sister-parent station NBC? Jerry, didn’t you say you were friends with Andy? Andy admitted it was not a fun game afterall and they cut to commercial.

In the words of Andy Cohen “Here’s What”:

a) Several of the Housewives seem to be over-medicating: Lynne (of RHOC), Kim (Atlanta- why does she wear a wig again? She did own up to not having cancer but never gave a reason for wearing a wig), Danielle ‘The Prostitution Whore’ (New Jersey) and of course New York’s sadly very own run-in-traffic-Playboy-bunny Kelly Kiloran ‘I’m a real person’ Bensimon. Kelly’s mental state has taken up the past two episodes of RHNYC. Kelly you are batshit crazy. Why do you continue to expose yourself on TV like this? Stop the madness, if you were a real person you’d find this uncomfortable to watch and seek some help.

b) Drop the OC cast PLEASE!!! The only remaining original cast member is Vicki, the workaholic insurance seller who seemed to be crying every episode due to her insane castmates. I’m not even a huge Vicki fan and I think she needs to quit the show. Here’s what Andy…that means yes, you have room for new Housewife franchises cause everyone is sick of the OC witches. Half of them are not even Housewives anymore and Tamara is just a disgusting high school mean girl…oh wait, you say that makes great TV? Eh, I’m over them.

c) MUSIC! Ladies, I got into the Hotlanta version about half way into the first season at the beckoning of my younger sister who declared herself ‘Captain of Team Nene.’ It was a hoot. These women dropping words like ‘elite’ and ‘class’ when they have neither but they all at least did charity work, unlike the hobags of the OC who were boozing it up and trying to get their friends ‘naked drunk’ but then didn’t want their friends to actually hook up with their out-on-parol sons.

In season two Kim ‘whig out’ Z released the single ‘Tardy For The Party’ and it does rock. It’s the perfect summer song and I’m jealous that Kim achieved one of my goals to be a one hit wonder on the disco floor.

Well, Kim Z it wasn’t too nice that you did not wish Countess Luann (RHNYC) the same success with her single. Here’s what: I love Countess Luann’s single and I bought it. Yep, elegance is learned …MY FRIEND! Money can’t buy you class (Jill Zarin!)

d) Faux fame monsters! On this note Jerry Seinfeld was right there are a number of the Housewives who believe they are legitimately famous and putting products out there. This wouldn’t be so annoying if they weren’t constantly hawking it on the show. Yes, we get that the show has launched them into ample opportunities but do we have to be marketed to every time you open your mouth Jill Zarin? Jill (NY)  and Nene (Hotlanta) both were likeable, loveable and women I would’ve wanted to hang out with on their first seasons. Somehow they started to believe they were the shit and the Head Cheerleader at last so they decided to pick fights with everyone only they went too far…Here’s what: It’s embarrassing.

e) Bethenny Frankel- she’s no saint. When this season of NY started I was like so totally on Jill’s side and couldn’t understand how rude Bethanny had tipped without shame. Well, then I realized neither one of them was acting too great to each other but….last summer I stopped following Bethanny on Twitter after her posts were just mean. She even picked a fight with Rachel Zoe and of course, one of my favorite people who never responded (I heart you) Gwyneth Paltrow calling out GP’s cooking skills which she had not sampled. Hmm BF you totally got pissed when Kelly KBS gave you the same types of comments, in fact you went bananas. So perhaps Bethanny you only went all noble and forgiving with Jill “I don’t want to win, I just want to make up” because you signed a deal for your own series “Bethenny Frankel…getting married?” Um, yeah we can see that rock from space so why that title….but anyway HERE’s WHAT: Sorry BF a special one episode for that would probably be enough when the über talented and fun and sassy Christian Siriano, who is far more entertaining got one episode. I won’t be watching your show BF. Not interested. I let you go and embrace the GOOP of Gwyneth who nourishes my soul instead.

In recap: Woohoo, love you Housewives but I’m going to be selective and cheer for Theresa and Dina of New Jersey who continue to deliver hilarious one liners like ‘tick tock psycho bitch.’

P.S.

I agree with Sarah Jessica Parker that Sonja Morgan adds helium to the NYC cast but what’s with adding Jen Gilbert too? How many freaking housewives do we need in one cast?  Also shining this season is my fellow Brooklynite, Alex McCord who is the voice of sanity.

Kelly Ripa said on WWHL ‘Sweetie, I’d like to hear Cher cover Luann’s song.’ That’s great Kelly but even better….Rupaul. How bout a gay benefit with all 3 of them together? Now that’s fun…my friends!