Why would I ever leave Brooklyn on the weekends?????

This season was off the charts before it even started when Taylor’s-on-the-way-to-being-ex-husband, Russell Armstrong committed suicide. For a second season this show was not suffering from the sophomore slump, but in fact perhaps so loaded with heavyiness it was a relief to have the announcment of Lisa’s daughter, Pandora’s engagement which the season finale will show the wedding. It was fun to see Adrienne Malouf try to be romantic with her husband Paul in Hawaii sticking her tongue down his throat at a group dinner but…..there are a few random things that happened this season that were totally cray-cray:

1) What is up with all the extra friends? We barely know the original cast members and then for some reason Bravo decides to add not only Brandi to the mix, who’s ex is Eddie aka Mr. LeAnn Rimes now and apparently cheated on her a lot & also friends with Lisa’s former houseguest Cedric, but all the ladies seem to have a friend. Kyle has Faye who yes, posed in Playboy, and is her decorator. Kim Richards has a random assortment of help like her maid and make-up artist because her ‘gay bull mastiff’ boyfriend (according to Brandi) Ken wasn’t able to provide any support.

Brandi was supposed to be Adrienne’s friend, but she brings along that chick Jen from Celebrity Rehab?!!!? to everything. Camille was joint at the hip with her friend/assistant? DeeDee or is it DiDi? Either way I don’t really care for her. Taylor brought in her friend, party planner (who didn’t plan any of the successful parties on the show, even her own diasterous night), Dana who surprizingly made it on to a cast member poll during Watch What Happens Live this week. Do we care? Dana always seems to be on another planet called ‘guess how much this cost?” And then of course, Taylor swapped Dana out for her shrink to come to Lisa’s restaurant opening. UM???? Is this the Real Friends of Beverly Hills?

I did love how Adrienne’s chef Bernie showed up to the opening with RuPaul in tow. Now that’s a friendship I’d like to see as opposed to DeeDee stiring up trouble with Taylor at Brandi’s party when it was very clear Taylor has a lot of issues. It really wasn’t right to attack someone who is in that much pain.

All of this season’s odd friends seem to culminate in the opening of Lisa’s new restaurant:

2) Pandora’s wedding planner Kevin is just to die for! He is over the top and brought much needed levity to the show. I can’t wait to see how fabulous his ‘bling bling million dollar wedding’ turns out next week.

3) Kyle needs to switch networks. She cried so much I thought I was watching Lifetime, Television for Tears! Her fight at the birthday dinner with Kim in Hawaii was so random. She totally freaked out when Kim accused her of driving with her cellphone attached to her ear. Her retort was equally bizarre about if you want to make stuff up I could say you were a child molester??? What? I mean, seriously what? How is cellphone abuse=child molester?

4) Ken and Brandi flirting is fairly hilarious. Lisa getting a bit jealous even as a joke is just devine as she is always fighting off Ken’s advances and teasing him that he’ll get some affection next year! Lisa admiring Brandi’s assets in Hawaii was very entertaining.

5) Lisa’s friend Muhammad’s engagement party for Pandora. A party with belly dancers, fire eaters, secret rooms and Kyle doing splits is one for the ages to be remembered.

6) Taylor finally breaking through, as rough as it’s been to see her suffer and the just complete lack of any emotion from her now deceased husband. I mean wow, my heart really goes out to her but part of me is like, was it only because she was on a reality show she was able to do this? How does this happen to such great, smart women? I think about Hayley Berry…. it’s just very tough stuff but fortunately Taylor did make it out and she is able to keep moving forward.

7) Kyle’s photo shoot for her book cover in a gown on her dining room table seemed so random. I like Kyle and she seems to have a great marriage, but I really don’t see her as the literary type, nor do I think I need any kind of advice from her. She pays people do decorate, I’m sure she has to have a nanny with that many kids and all her long social committments so what is it about? How fight with your sister in public and cry? Cause I didn’t like Kyle & Kim ganging up on Brandi and hiding her crutches no matter what she said, that is so juvenile. Kyle was definitely a mean girl when she wasn’t crying this season.

8) The disturbing unraveling of Kim’s mind on camera. So. Much. Sadness. She shouldn’t be on TV! Kim don’t do a third season. This is not helping you, it’s documenting your illness!

9) Lisa and Adrienne are so priviledged they couldn’t be bothered to go in the water in Hawaii and look at the fish. I cherish snorkeling or scuba diving time. It’s maginificent that calm that follows after time in the water like that and that visibility that day was Heaven Sent. Shame on you Lisa get your bony ass in the water!

10) Brandi’s son pissing on Adrienne’s lawn. Um, boys will be boys? I guess Brandi was probably a bit nervous anyway and it didn’t help that she was on crutches. I bet she just couldn’t be bothered to correct him, but I don’t think that makes her a bad mother. There are moments you have to let go and talk about later especially after going through such a public divorce. Glad she finally somehow made it into the group, and apparently into Camille’s mouth making out with her in Vegas. Well people of Beverly Hills Spice Up Your Life!

ORIGINAL PART ONE with a cameo from Juliette Lewis:


PART TWO: IS THAT HUMMUS????

PART THREE: Juliette Lewis really is the best


SHIT BLACK GIRLS SAY: I saw this on Basketball Wives


SHIT SINGLE GIRLS: I hate New Year’s Eve! (Personally I DO!!!!!)


SHIT WHITE GIRLS SAY TO BLACK GIRLS: Twinsies!


SHIT GIRLS SAY TO GAY MEN: I love that you’re practically a girl!


And, in case you are like, wait, why are they picking on girls so much? Here are a few for the fellas:
SHIT BLACK GUYS SAY: You going to believe me or some girl on Twitter?


SHIT SOUTHERN GAY MEN SAY: Bless her heart:

SITCOM STARTS:

MILA played the spoiled rich brat, Jackie Burkhart, on ‘That 70′s Show’ on Fox. She was the annoying, vein girlfriend of Michael (Ashton Kutcher) til he cheated on her and then she moved onto the cranky outsider, Steven Hyde (Danny Masterson.)

RACHEL was cast at the spoiled rich brat, Summer Roberts on “The O.C.” also on Fox. Rachel’s character was originally only supposed to be in a few episodes, but she managed to become a regular cast member. She also winds up dating also rich, but not-as-hot-as-the-rest-of-the-cast-rich-outsider Seth Cohen (Adam Brody). Brody and Bilson became a real life couple for a while.

WINNER: MILA as the spunky Jackie she was able to dance, be silly, torment the boys and tackle the 70′s with pluck. ‘That 70′s Show’ also laster 201 vs. “The O.C.” clocking in at 92. For the record I prefer ‘That 70′s Show’s open- way more fun!

LEADING MEN:

MILA dated Home Alone star Macauly Culkin for nine years. This was during the time when he feared leaving the house. (Being a childstar can have that affect!) She eventually spilt up with him in 2011 just as ‘Black Swan’ pushed her into the public eye in a huge way again.

Guess we all know how Mac would’ve taken the break up:


Well, good hearted-low-key Mila likes to keep her private life private but she still went to a Marine Corp Ball in 2011 because a Marine asked her out via YouTube. She even got buddy Justin Timberlake to do the same for a female solidier.

RACHEL likes to date her co-stars. During The O.C. years she dated co-star hipster Adam Brody. The series lasted one year longer than their romance. Rachel was cast in the movie Jumper and got cozy with none other than the young Darth Vader, Hayden Christensen.

WINNER: Rachel cause despite a brief break, she is still with her man. But seriously love how both of these ladies like to keep their romances on the DL and fairly scandel-free.

POST SITCOM FILM SUCCESS:

MILA has starred across leading men like Jason Segal in ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ to Marky Mark in the unfortunate film ‘Max Payne.’ She has always been the voice of Meg on ‘Family Guy’ adding a little spice to that nerdy character. Mila put herself into the A-list category as Natalie Portman’s rival-slash-fantasy in “Black Swan”. The red carpet was won by Mila who unfortunately followed it with the throw-away Rom-Com “Friends with Benefits” oppositie Justin Timberlake.

RACHEL was of course in ‘Jumper’ which was a pretty cool and buzzworthy film at the time. She followed it up with this wretched indie movie called ‘Waiting For Forever’ – which is how I felt about the plot. It was pretty awful and I will save all you Bilson fans- skip this one and go straight to her adorable weekly stint as a doctor on ‘The Hart of Dixie.’ For an actor with less charm, this CW show would have tanked but Bilson has proven she can carry a show and has grown up.

WINNER: Golden Globe & SAG nominated Mila Kunis has to take this round.

STYLE
MILA: While her character Jackie was obsessed with flaunting it and being a model, in real life Kunis is a casual kind of lady. Her red carpet moments for ‘Black Swan’ premieres and award season put Natalie Portman to shame.

RACHEL is known as a fashionista. She is always in the mags as a trendsetter and recently launched her own line of shoes. I want some!

WINNER: RACHEL

OVERALL WINNER: MILA KUNIS. Both actresses have thriving, great careers and continue to grow in their roles, but Mila has more of an edge and has chosen more diverse roles.

I have a debate with a friend over the Gotye ‘Somebody I Used To Know’ is a modern version of Human League’s ‘Don’t You Want Me’. Since this is my blog, I’m going to run with my theme.

DUDE PERSPECTIVE:

GOTYE: Dude feels slighted, tells the girl even though they broke up it was rough that she changed her number and had her girlfriends pick up her shit.

HUMAN LEAGUE: Dude meets a waitress and upgrades her life. Now he’s pissed she won’t see him.

THE GIRL’s PERSPECTIVE:
GOTYE: Turns out the Dude was a gameplayer. She changed her number cause she knew he was toxic to her.

HUMAN LEAGUE: Girl has outgrown him. He’s twisted the truth, time to move on boy.

WINNER: THE LADIES in both songs although Human League lady is slightly ahead cause this dude is more pathetically asking ‘don’t you want me?’

IMHO: I prefer the Human League video because while Gotye is a brilliant muso, I don’t want to see his scrawny man parts covered in artwork.

Fall in love again with him one more time watching ‘A Case of You’ which stars the actress Rebecca Hall (Vicki Cristina Barcelona, The Town). Oh, the tale of love and how we’ve all been there, messed it up and how that heart attack is always part of us.

Here’s a few of the most outrageous parties thrown by the Housewives in a bit of a Face-Off.

BABY SHOWERS:
Dirty Jers: In the season opener, Theresa’s congrats to her brother Joey sparked a fist fight that included senior citizens and women alike. Children were, of course present since it was a baby shower and reprecussions went on for half the season. The saddest part, other than Tre’s kids seeing it all go down, was when Joey cries to his father pleading for them to be a family. The whole escalation was frightening and as much as Bravo watchers have embraced this younger, sexy generation who seem to need to hump anytime anywhere, the frightening fisticuffs left me horrified.

Hotlanta: It seemed like a very quaint, non-wedding for Kim and Kroy’s baby shower. I loved when Phaedra tried to proclaim it reminded her of her baby shower. P- you are a saucy, sassy Southern Belle with a helluva a libido, but Phaedra there was no bizarre dancing or Duh-wight anywhere to be seen. However, things heated up between husbands when Peter the Elderly Husband of model Cynthia Bailey, decided to mix it up with Phaedra’s hubbie, Hunky Ex-Con. Um, Peter dude, shouldn’t you be thinking you are trying to be a Grown-Ass Man? Why are you so incredibly immature and hostile especially after you nabbed the fabulous Cynthia, who you constantly bring down several levels?

Winner… for Class (???): Hotlanta because no actual fists were thrown. Mr. Hunky Ex-Con decided to be the bigger man and back away.

BIRTHDAY PARTIES:

New York: It seems there’s nothing the New York cast likes to do than celebrate birthdays from the elaborate Sweet 16′s of Ramona and The Countess threw for their daughters…on the very same night, and of course Alex’s party on Governor’s Island and that annoying woman Cindy’s party in Quogue, The Countess’ suprize birthday party and even Ramona’s suprize joint birthday party with Sonia.

Beverly Hills: Taylor decided to have a ‘more child-friendly’ party for her daughter this year with 200 of their closest friends. Her daughter was turning five. They rented out a horse farm where Tay-Tay freaked out as the set-up was so last minute and her party-planning BFF, Dana, who always seems like she just smoked a pack of Malboro Reds and ignores negativity, saunters up an hour late. Taylor spent her own big 4-0 in Vegas next to former frienemy, Lisa Vanderpump at Lisa’s daughter’s bachlorette party.

Hotlanta: You didn’t think I’d miss a chance to remind you of Kandi’s 35th Birthday which included a stripper named Ridiculous, a gift from Phaedra did you? A stripper who could pleasure himself. I thought Pandora was the one having the bachlorette party? I mean Kandi’s Momma was there. It was just not the setting at what looked like a very high-end hotel.

Winner for pure volume: While NY had volume in numbers, and Hotlanta had the volume of Ridiculous’ Um, Donkey Dong, I’ve got to give it up for Taylor’s lips.

THEMED PARTIES
The White Party by Kyle Richards where she forces all of her devious friends to pretend they are as pure, or at least dress as pure as the driven snow. Alleged Abuser Slash Husband of Taylor- Russell has decided to threaten Camille Grammar for repeating Taylor’s abuse allegations…which were in ‘private’ (filmed) and how would he have known what she said unless Taylor mentioned it? So, this gets the Armstrongs barred from The White Party. Sad especially when last year Russell stranded Taylor there, she had a good cry on Kyle’s bed and then they danced the night away.

Adrienne Malouf’s Fashion Show… is that a theme? Cause if so, she did a great job of upping She by Sheree just a notch. The fashion show was to benefit Step Up, but it was also to debut the shoes Adrienne is now selling for $15K a pair. Malouf claims she didn’t want to detract from the charity aspect by actually showing off the shoes. Models wore outfits that covered the shoes, as did Adrienne herself. What is it with The Emperor Has No Clothes/Shoes theme by default Stop throwing fake fashion shows on TV if you don’t want attention drawn to your brand.

Sonia Morgan’s Ballroom Party … New Yorker’s are very busy, and apparently Sonia is so busy she forgot the bottom half of her costume. Instead of hiding in a corner, Sonia was brazen enough to bend over and show off her ass as much as possible.

Winner: Kyle of BH because she is the only one with an intentional themed party.

I’m looking forward to seeing the wedding parties of both Kim to Kroy and Lisa’s daughter Pandy to her man Jason. And, with that I leave you with this thought:

5. Britney Spears “Dancing Til The World Ends” – dance, or at least motion like you are dancing Britney. I have to give props for my fellow December baby who turned 30 the first week of the month and who’s mantoy Jason turns 40 today. Double December Couple?! Powerful. If you want to see Jason’s torso watch Britney’s “Criminal” video, but if you wanna dance you’ve come to the right place.

4. Swedish House Mafia “Save The World” there is seriously nothing as pure as canine love. When you come home and this little soul comes to find you and just lift your spirits, it is a thing of beauty. Hats off to SHM who champion the healing power of canine love.

3. Selena Gomez & The Scene “Love You Like A Love Song” there is no denying I would like this one on repeat-eat-eat-eat. It’s fun, it’s young and appeals to the karaoke lover in me, plus I sing this to my Frenchie when we are in the car. It brings me back to my Disney Days working for the Mouse House. I love the sassy Ms. Gomez and this song was an instant favorite as soon as I heard it.

2. Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris “We Found Love (In A Hopeless Place)” did they meet at work? No, more like a rave that morphed into a crack den, but this tune is undeniable and we see Riri acting. This one shows off quite nicely the trend of director’s treating videos like films with title credits and story plots.

And finally….

1. David Guetta “Where Them Girls At?” feat. Nicki Minaj and Flo Rida. I love a great party song and this one hits it right on the head.